Nick Versus The Geico Cavemen

So this is how it would happen.

I'm at a party and the Geico Cavemen are there. Now, I know they are cavemen and pretty much the last of their kind....but come on. They never quit complaining about they get discriminated on, or about how lonley it is being different. Let it go. The cavemen will never get friends if they are always so negative.

So one of them, Ron the Caveman, is sulking in the corner. The other two, Bill the Caveman and Ted the Caveman, are on the balconey having one of those "life is so hard" moments.

Now I like to dance. And when the song "T-U-R-T-L-E Power" by Partners in Krhyme comes on, I just HAVE to ninja dance.

The song comes on. I start ninja dancing.

Ron the Caveman is looking all depressed and desides to join his fellow party poopers on the balconey. With his head down, he starts shuffling over. Ron doesn't see me dancing, even though everyone is in a circle around me.

Ron walks to the center of the circle and realises all too late he has stepped right into a ninja dance move. Which also happened to be a spinning round house at head height.

"Swack!"

The kick catches Ron in the left temple.

I stop dancing to appologize.
"Sorry man. I didn't see you there. I thought I had more room."
Ron snaps back "GRrRRawwaw"

He has been knocked back to stone age intelligence.

With a roar, Ron swings a big paw at me. He gets lucky. I wasn't really ready. I get knocked to the ground.

I stand up, Angry as can be.

"Turn the mosic up!"
Renegade quickly turns up the music. Bill and Ted rush in. Upon hearing the neanderthalian grunts, they too reverted to much more primitive states of mind. I start ninja dancing, but I'm actually just fighting to the music.
The cavemen are strong, but not that strong. No three beings can defeat me (except the Trinity).
I grab the Renegade like a bowstaff. I jam his head into the mouth of Bill and his feet into the mouth of Ted. I start spinning them over my head, like two big rag dolls on either end of a broomstick.
I throw the two cavemen down and grab them by there feet. With Bill in one hand and Ted in the other, I go after Ron. I start beating Ron with his own friends, first Bill, then Ted.
Bill
Ted
Bill
Ted
Bill
Ted

With each swing, two gutteral grunts escape the cavemen's mouths.

I throw the whole group out onto the balconey. I look at them. I'm still angry. I'm still breathing heavily.
They look back from their huddled group. They are scared. Ted pees himself. Bill outdoes him.

I realize they are reacting on instinct. They don't really want to mess with me. Who in their right mind would?

I start to reason with them.

"I know no one likes you guys. I know you dont even like yourselves. But I can help. I know how you guys can be happy. I know a God who loves you."

The cavemen start crying. You see they dont believe in God. How could they? They are a fictional species, made by Darwin. They dont even have a fossil record.

Realizing their predicament. They are overcome with their feelings of "my life sucks" and jump over the balconey, falling twenty stories to their deaths.

I sigh. What a relief. Now more stupid cavemen commercials.

Using Renegade as a bungie, I repell off the balconey to the ground. Nice. They left their motorcycles outside. The Rengade and I take off on some hot new bikes.

No more cavemen commercials, no more whining from whymsical creatures, more Geico Gecko.
The world is a better place.

And that is how it would happen.

Nick Versus Jay Leno and David Letterman

So, this is how it would happen.

Jay and David really don't like each other. But now that there is someone who is cooler, funnier, younger, better looking than both of them combined and always has the best guests (to fight), they are jealous. Letterman and Leno have to combine forces to stop...Nick Versus.

Letterman and Leno were originally going to have me visit one of their shows and set an ambush for me. They couldn't agree whose show should have me though. They both wanted a big name like Nick for themselves. The joke is on them. They could not decide, now they're both on my medium, and I was on neither of theirs.

Letterman and Leno decide to fight me at a playground where David is playing with his child, who I am sure was fathered by Letterman at the age of ancient.

I show up.
I don't sneak.
I don't look inconspicuous.
I strut.
I am about to fight two old men. How can I not be confident in a win.

I start to walk towards Letterman when..

BAM!

Leno's chin hits me in the face. David had thrown Jay's head like a big boomerang. It has the right shape. One might not know the difference when the two are thrown side by side...except, of course, for Jay's small body circling his giant head as it rotates in a dangerously tight spin.

Leno returns to Letterman as quickly as he was thrown. That's how boomerangs work.

Letterman shouts out "Tonights top ten...ways to kill Nick!".

They both charge me. I grab Letterman's head in one hand and Jay's in the other. I try to smash their faces together, but it doesn't work. Jay's nose had gotten caught in between Letterman's two front teeth. I try to pull them apart, but it is too hard. I settle for punching them each in the stomach.
Then I realize I don't need to pry them apart. The combined pressure from all their hot air was starting to gather in between their gargantuan heads. With a large "POP", they fly away from each other. Under so much stress, Letterman's teeth had disattached from his mouth. The gap between his teeth went from one inch, to three inches in an instant.

Upon realizing this, David ran home crying.

I put Leno on a swing and say, "you know what happens when Nick pushes a swing?"
Then I push him on the swing. It works similar to a giant sling, launching him into space. A few hours later, Leno's face is LITERALLY the moon's face.

TV, now free of Letterman and Leno, no longer makes people stupid. Conan gets his big break. And a smarter America solves the economy, polution and world hunger in an afternoon.

And that's what would happen.

Nick Versus The Easter Bunny

Darrell Boland submitted this Nick Versus idea.

So, this is how it would happen.

I have been waiting for this day for almost a year. Once a year, when people SHOULD be thinking about Jesus, an over-sized rabbit hides fake eggs. He usually "hides" them in fairly obvious places (low branch on a tree, in the mail box, on the front porch, on the front lawn), places a three year old can find 'em all in a matter of minutes. He fills these "eggs with candy, like American kids need to get fatter. Well, Nick has had enough.

I would wait in the mailbox for the Easter Bunny. Then early Easter morning when he comes to hide the eggs, I launch my attack.

He opens the mailbox door. I leap out! I takle the Easter bunny, start choking him and snidely remark, "eh, what's up dock?". EB (Easter Bunny) uses his powerful legs to kick me off of him. Quickly he reaches into his colorful easter basket and pulls out an egg grenade. Tossing it in my diection he screams. "SUCK ON THESE EGGS!".

BOOM.

The bomb goes off. Where Nick once stood is a smoldering crater.

But I am not there. My ninja roll is as fast and as sneaky as a cheetah in a spotted room. There is no way the EB saw it. He walks to the craterpeers in and mutters, "and you thought it was full of candy...I tricked you".

Without a soud I sneak up behind the EB. I put him in a rear naked choke hold and and coldly reply "silly rabbit, tricks are for kids." I sqeeze until his body comes close to limp. I grab him by the throat and with one hand, pin him to a tree. We stare at eachother until I break the silence.

"Do you know how to kill a rabbit....with a gun."
"Do you know how to kill a REALLY BIG rabbit....with a REALLY BIG gun!"

The EB's eyes widen. He knows what is coming.

I smile and say, "I've a really big gun."

I hold out my free arm and flex. It is not a firearm. My arm is much more deadly than any gun. With one swing I crush the tree trunk just above the EB's head. Wood splinters everywhere. I let go of the EB. He starts crying. I walk away.

The Easter Bunny now visits other countries for Easter. He brings poverty stricken nations tons of food once a year. He's too scared to set foot in the USA.

American kids don't get as much candy The rest of the world eats better. Chalk one up for Nick and the USA.

And that's how it would happen.

Nick Versus Wrestlers (by Brad Nichols)

This entire Nick Versus was submitted by my close friend Brad Nichols aka Snakebite. He is on the level with me, so he knows.

So, this is what would happen.


--Nick sends a personal invitation to all the professional wrestlers in the country. He puts in a personal threat in each invitation, so they arrive at the place Nick invites them to (a place where wild deer congregate).
Nick builds a body suit for Joey Tucker. The body suit consists of deer antlers protruding from the butt, crotch, top of the head, and feet. When all the wrestlers arrive, Nick is in full camouflage lying beneath a flock of deer. J
oey, with his body suit on, says "hey, you boys want a piece of this venison?". As they all chase Joey, Joey runs to the place where Nick is waiting. As the wrestlers arrive, Nick emerges from the ground spinning and twirling Joey over his head. He uses Joey as his weapon, stabbing Rick Flair in the chest with Joey's crotch. Kurt Angle attacks Nick's backside, but Nick rips off Kurt's arms with Joey's feet. He then rips Joey's antlers off of his butt, pins two wrestlers' feet to the ground with the antlers, and uses both of them like punching bags.
After he is done with them, he throws Joey at a pack of three wrestlers, killing them all. Nick jumps on a 12 point buck and directs it by its antlers to run after Bret Hart. The buck attacks Hart and gouges Hart in the arm. Nick jumps off the buck and round kicks Hart in mid-air, sending Hart dramatically to the ground. After head butting Bret Hart in the face several times, Nick lights a cigarette, pours his flask of alcohol on Hart's body, and drops it on Hart. As Hart is on fire, the Undertaker (the last one standing) is coming from behind Hart's body. Nick turns his backside to the fire, bends over, farts, and engulfs the Undertaker's body with the giant wind of flames. --

And that is how it would happen.