Nick Versus Jay Leno and David Letterman

So, this is how it would happen.

Jay and David really don't like each other. But now that there is someone who is cooler, funnier, younger, better looking than both of them combined and always has the best guests (to fight), they are jealous. Letterman and Leno have to combine forces to stop...Nick Versus.

Letterman and Leno were originally going to have me visit one of their shows and set an ambush for me. They couldn't agree whose show should have me though. They both wanted a big name like Nick for themselves. The joke is on them. They could not decide, now they're both on my medium, and I was on neither of theirs.

Letterman and Leno decide to fight me at a playground where David is playing with his child, who I am sure was fathered by Letterman at the age of ancient.

I show up.
I don't sneak.
I don't look inconspicuous.
I strut.
I am about to fight two old men. How can I not be confident in a win.

I start to walk towards Letterman when..

BAM!

Leno's chin hits me in the face. David had thrown Jay's head like a big boomerang. It has the right shape. One might not know the difference when the two are thrown side by side...except, of course, for Jay's small body circling his giant head as it rotates in a dangerously tight spin.

Leno returns to Letterman as quickly as he was thrown. That's how boomerangs work.

Letterman shouts out "Tonights top ten...ways to kill Nick!".

They both charge me. I grab Letterman's head in one hand and Jay's in the other. I try to smash their faces together, but it doesn't work. Jay's nose had gotten caught in between Letterman's two front teeth. I try to pull them apart, but it is too hard. I settle for punching them each in the stomach.
Then I realize I don't need to pry them apart. The combined pressure from all their hot air was starting to gather in between their gargantuan heads. With a large "POP", they fly away from each other. Under so much stress, Letterman's teeth had disattached from his mouth. The gap between his teeth went from one inch, to three inches in an instant.

Upon realizing this, David ran home crying.

I put Leno on a swing and say, "you know what happens when Nick pushes a swing?"
Then I push him on the swing. It works similar to a giant sling, launching him into space. A few hours later, Leno's face is LITERALLY the moon's face.

TV, now free of Letterman and Leno, no longer makes people stupid. Conan gets his big break. And a smarter America solves the economy, polution and world hunger in an afternoon.

And that's what would happen.