Nick Versus The Easter Bunny

Darrell Boland submitted this Nick Versus idea.

So, this is how it would happen.

I have been waiting for this day for almost a year. Once a year, when people SHOULD be thinking about Jesus, an over-sized rabbit hides fake eggs. He usually "hides" them in fairly obvious places (low branch on a tree, in the mail box, on the front porch, on the front lawn), places a three year old can find 'em all in a matter of minutes. He fills these "eggs with candy, like American kids need to get fatter. Well, Nick has had enough.

I would wait in the mailbox for the Easter Bunny. Then early Easter morning when he comes to hide the eggs, I launch my attack.

He opens the mailbox door. I leap out! I takle the Easter bunny, start choking him and snidely remark, "eh, what's up dock?". EB (Easter Bunny) uses his powerful legs to kick me off of him. Quickly he reaches into his colorful easter basket and pulls out an egg grenade. Tossing it in my diection he screams. "SUCK ON THESE EGGS!".

BOOM.

The bomb goes off. Where Nick once stood is a smoldering crater.

But I am not there. My ninja roll is as fast and as sneaky as a cheetah in a spotted room. There is no way the EB saw it. He walks to the craterpeers in and mutters, "and you thought it was full of candy...I tricked you".

Without a soud I sneak up behind the EB. I put him in a rear naked choke hold and and coldly reply "silly rabbit, tricks are for kids." I sqeeze until his body comes close to limp. I grab him by the throat and with one hand, pin him to a tree. We stare at eachother until I break the silence.

"Do you know how to kill a rabbit....with a gun."
"Do you know how to kill a REALLY BIG rabbit....with a REALLY BIG gun!"

The EB's eyes widen. He knows what is coming.

I smile and say, "I've a really big gun."

I hold out my free arm and flex. It is not a firearm. My arm is much more deadly than any gun. With one swing I crush the tree trunk just above the EB's head. Wood splinters everywhere. I let go of the EB. He starts crying. I walk away.

The Easter Bunny now visits other countries for Easter. He brings poverty stricken nations tons of food once a year. He's too scared to set foot in the USA.

American kids don't get as much candy The rest of the world eats better. Chalk one up for Nick and the USA.

And that's how it would happen.